You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
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straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.