We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
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I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
🙂🙃🥹
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.