@briangaar: you say "sitting in your parents' basement wearing pajamas" like it's a bad thing
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@PimpBillClinton: To all the chicks on Twitter who complain about never getting laid, turn your location on.
@PurrrrrfectCat: If ignorance truly is bliss, my coworkers must be in a constant state of euphoria.
@Brampersandon_: ME: so what do you do GUY: I'm an oral surgeon ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you're a helluva kisser
@behindyourback: *a friend tells me their problems* me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?