Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
You Might Also Like
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?