You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I might carry a baby with one hand.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
<—- homeless romantic
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.