You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
classic mixup
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses: