You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
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Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT