You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
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Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.