@einsteinsexual: You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won't eat tomato soup.
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@duumb: [remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building] omg this is gonna hurt
@GeriatricBeards: *throws coin in fountain* stranger: can you not do that? Me: just want my wish to come true S: this is a drinking fountain m: wish came true
@pinupteacher: My cab driver just described Seattle as "Not that horrible of a place." Get that guy a job on the tourism board.
@DanMentos: [spelling bee] "your word is... death" can you use it in a sentence? "in most states, yes"