You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
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Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Somebody’s lying.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall