For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
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“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
my name if I was in the mob
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.