Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
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The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.