no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
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I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you鈥檒l never misplace them
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I鈥檓 not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 馃槀馃槶
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I鈥檓 sorry but I don鈥檛 feel good. I鈥檝e been throwing up.
5: Can鈥檛 you just throw up outside?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I鈥檓 just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I鈥檝e made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me