I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
You Might Also Like
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.