@Parkerlawyer: You scream "SWEEP THE LEG!" one time and all of a sudden you're "invited" to watch your kid's wrestling match from the parking lot.
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@KentWGraham: We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
@HabeasDorkis: I don't wear sunglasses because it's unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it's an inch from my eye I'm all "um, no."
@Tommytoughstuff: "Have a seat" *Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.* "Dad I..." **Dad puts up hand* "Please don't call me that."
@bfrosty04: Sometimes when I'm sad, I'll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people's heads...