You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
My inexpensive home security system…
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.