*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
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Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.