@JosesLovesYou: You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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@blade_funner: Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I'd just go to prison.
@DomesticGoddss: I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off--a skill I apparently didn't pass on to my boys.
@_davidlucas_: An egg with 28 followers says I'm not funny. So if you need me, I'll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
@CarolinaSong: That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, "my shirt smells like you" & you misspell shirt