@JosesLovesYou: You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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@JermHimselfish: The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I'm throwing pebbles at your face.
@Quartzjixler: Me: A coworker called me 'Papa Hemingway' today. Her: Because of your beard? Me: Well it wasn't because of my Nobel in Literature.
@BoogTweets: Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan? Cashier: No, it's not an actual bu… Me: *loads nutrigun* Cashier: What the heck?