You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
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Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
So true for me
How do you like your Corgi?
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.