“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
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Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.