“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I have never related to anyone more.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.