You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
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ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?