You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
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Wasps: bees, but not helping
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?