@TheAdly: You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
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@lisaxy424: Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you're wrong they'll think you're joking and if you're right they'll feel dumb.
@TheDairylandDon: Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
@mdob11: Me: [crying so hard I can't breathe] why Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
@joejwest: ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice DATE: Ok WAITER: Can I get you any drinks? ME: Yes I'll have- [rolls dice] -six beers please