You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
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So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
So sick of all these stupid rules
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.