You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Meeeee too!
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.