I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
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My five year plan is a meteorite
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
🔦🌙👣
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.