@mstluvstrinkets: You Shook Me All Night Long is a great song that also describes what I do to my husband when he's snoring.
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@TheMichaelRock: Oh, did my tweet insulting a celebrity upset you? Maybe you should tell them about it the next time you guys hang out.
@flashember: JUDGE: That THING cannot enter ME: But Inky is my pet OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT'S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him* INKY NOOOOo
@Tuna_Lover: I caught two teens smoking pot behind my office. Ten minutes later, my boss caught two teens and myself smoking pot behind my office.
@david8hughes: [baby sitting] "Hey, yeah it's me. No, everything's fine. Just a quick question about his legs." "..." "So how many legs did he have?"