I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
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There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.