You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
this is uni
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
When your parents check you’re ok.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
just having fun
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job