You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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This pepper has seen some shit
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
the three branches of government
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?