You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
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The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.