You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
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Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I’m giving up for Lent.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.