You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
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Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
smh
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent