@astutenewf: YOU SHOULD BE CALLED JEHOVAH'S FITNESS! I yell as I lose my breath chasing them down the street.
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@rickolantern: Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
@just1fool: I'm gonna insert "comedian" in my bio and have my picture taken on a stage with a microphone in my hand so no one will follow me back.
@robotrowboat: [death row] Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests? Pardon me? I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
@bzamayo: Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.