Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
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I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
He died doing what he loved: being alive
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.