That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
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Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.