no such thing as a dumb question
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My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Your honor these allegations are
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing