You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
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If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
This might be the funniest tweet ever
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.