friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
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I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Finally, an explanation.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.