who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
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Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha