You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
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The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Mouse
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
True statement👍😏😁
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
The best shot in the history of golf