If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
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Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face