You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
mom had nothing to worry about
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Oh hi lol
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒