@1Happytwit: You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it's cheaper and much more effective.
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@Beer_Blonde_: A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman... I'm not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
@bobsin: If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she's practising for her next selfie
@VeganZebra: [after putting a fake mustache on an elephant] FRIEND: You seen my elephant? ME: no FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has