You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
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Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.