You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses