You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
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📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Yup.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
When they try to steal your moment.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?