Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once