You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
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To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that