You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
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Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?