@FeverFlave: You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
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@ramblinma: *stops abruptly at red light* *instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
@murrman5: [during ultrasound] wife: I really thought you were the father me: how could you do this to me? wife's grey and black lover: I told y'all
@RandomlyMJ: My exes new girlfriend has been calling me looking for him for days. It got old. I gave in and sent her the map and shovel.
@KarateDonuts: McDonald's is now selling the Big MacGyver. Just a slab of meat a paper clip and some foil with a note that says "You figure it out."