“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
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[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I think the cat got the dog high.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie