“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I can’t stop laughing at this
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.