@underchilde: You should walk a mile in my shoes and I’ll take a cab.
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@AnOrangeSNES: The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
@Brianhopecomedy: I inform my 4 year old that she's going to a friend's house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we're going 6000 times.
@CopBroughtPizza: thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
@DaHess1: A bunch of religious accounts are following me so I can only assume I'm the subject of a monthly sermon series.