One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
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*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Room with a view.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school