Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
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Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up