@1Happytwit: You shouldn't judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
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@weinerdog4life: If you're ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like "I can't even hear you bear"
@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, 'How will I know when I'm an adult?' and I said, ' When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator'
@NotThatKristi: My jeans say "no more Christmas goodies" but my leggings are like "we got you, gurrrl"