You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
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I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.