*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
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If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?