You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
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Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?